I have NOT let it go...

I have been gone for over a year so I will just start with today.

I have been wondering what has been my problem on moving forward. We decided to adopt another child early in the summer of 2007, but I have not been motivated at all in filling out paperwork or getting anything done. Even though I have her room all planned out and I have lists of names everywhere, I have not done much to actually start the adoption process. I am intentionally not writing WE because if I didn't do the footwork we would not have Drew and Donovan. That is just a fact. Tim is great, but I am the one who moves the mountains for that

I have often mentioned that I follow my "inner voice" It was very loud when it told me to stop medical treatments and discontinue our 2nd attempt at IVF. It was very loud when it told me which agency to go towards for our first adoption. I heard it clearly when the SW talked about a baby boy who had been born and was waiting. I knew Drew was Drew from the first moment I heard about him. I also heard it loudly tell me which direction to go for our second adoption almost 4 years later. Although I thought this might be my last chance for a girl, it told me to be open to either gender, and I am so glad I listened. Donovan has our hearts in his grubby little hands and he knows it

That voice has been talking to me about another baby for a while now, and I assumed we should adopt again. Really, how logical is it to think that after 15 years of marriage that we could ever get pregnant. I have NEVER ever been pregnant, not even for a day. Especially given that I do not want to do IVF ever again. So I started plodding along down the only CERTAIN path I know. But my feet aren't moving.

So my cycle started acting up again like it did last year. This even after I had a D&C to clear out everything. My GYN suggested I take BC pills but I don't want to because they gave me headaches the last time I tried them for that purpose. So I decided to try an herb I read about called Vitex. One day after I took the first pills, my never ending cycle ended. That got me to thinking dangerous thoughts.

Our only known issue had been male infertility. Very low morphology (I don't remember the exact numbers. That seems like eons ago) My cycles used to be picture perfect up until about 5 years ago. Anyway I started thinking that if the herbs helped me that quickly, maybe there are some herbs that could help Tim. That's when the GONG of realization started in. I have never really let the dream of getting pregnant go. When the SW asked how we grieved about being infertile, I had to kind of BS through that because I never really did grieve over it. Not in a final kind of way. At first I thought I just didn't care, but countless pregnancy tests later (screwy cycles have caused me a lot of tears) revealed that I do care but I won't allow myself to think about it. It's weird because I don't actually think I would enjoy being pregnant, but I have this strange urge to do it anyway. Maybe it's because I turned 37 in September.

Now my voice is telling me to try doing things the natural way (+ herbs) and see what happens. So I am going to listen. This may be an exercise in futility, but I am going with it anyway. I never did charting or any of that before (they moved us straight to IVF after Tim's SA), but I will this time. I will get Tim some herbs I read about and force feed sweetly ask him to take them everyday. I'm thinking we will go on this way for a year and if nothing comes of it, I will at least have some closure. I will force myself to let it go.

I just wanted to get this all out and I know that some here can understand. I hope I have not caused anyone any hurt feelings with what I have written.